The Loss of a Sister to Suicide

Fireworks 4th of July Celebration Suicide Prevention Suicide Sisters Novel based on true events
Fireworks on the 4th of July

The explosive sounds from fireworks begin their debut a few days after my birthday.  It should be a happy time, but that’s not how I remember this day. The week America celebrates its independence, the police had broken down the dead bolted door to my sister’s condo for a well-being check.  They found her body slumped on the floor of the bedroom, with a bible and photos of her children in her hand.  No pulse, not breathing. My sister had committed suicide while the 4th of July Celebrations were beginning.

My sister had taken her own life and left a note that I retrieved from the detectives mandatorily investigating her suspicious death.  They saw my pain and gave me a copy of her carefully handcrafted letter, after pleading and tears.  She blamed the ones who loved her most.

After the coroner’s inquest, my sister’s death was ruled a suicide and had been dead for several days before she was found. The toxic overabundance of mixed medications ingested with alcohol, determined an overdose.  After her body was finally released, a memorial was held.

My character development

While writing my novel, I developed a character named Sara, who has a sister that took her own life. Many years have passed since my own sister’s suicide.  But my own sisters’ way of living is not to be repeated with Sara’s character.  Sara wants more than anything to be well and has a great support system in place.  She’s compliant with her medications and at the first sign of any potential changes in mood she will share these issues with her psychiatrist to discuss her bipolar symptoms.

In this current novel that I am writing which is based on true events, you will probably root for Sara to see her doctor, to take her meds and feel well.  

Writing helps me personally share internal emotions that have shaped me as a person.  I develop characters based autobiographically in some instances and research medicine for accuracy. As a nurse for over 30 years, I am weaving credible medicine into a plot full of horrific turns. 

Follow my writing journey

I hope you follow my writing journey. As my novel continues to develop, meet more of the characters, including Nurse Carrie Winters, my protagonist, who is Sara’s best friend and find out what Carrie discovers.

A story bases on true medical events

A story of friendship, families, the strife for wellness, trust, hope and betrayal, and Nurse Carrie Winters is caught in the middle.

While the sky bursts with colorful explosions this 4th of July Holiday, I look to the sky and remember my sister.

More on why I am writing

Read more about why I am writing in this previous blog post

Through a Juror’s Eyes in the Criminal Justice System

“You Have Been Selected Through a Random Drawing to Serve as a Juror…” Part 2

Being selected as a juror and how to render a verdict of law and order in a criminal case
Jury Selection

Part 1 click link here

Through the eyes of a juror. Part 2

I was seated in the front row of the jury box amongst a mixed bag of chosen jurors ranging in age from 35 to 80; 5 females and 9 males. Alongside the jury box was an armed deputy and at the entrance to the court room was also an armed deputy. Sitting in the middle of the row gave me a view of the whole courtroom. As the charges were read to the courtroom, I tried to focus my view toward only the judge, and all the instructions that went along with the charges. For every charge there was a list of additional descriptions to determine a verdict of guilty. Such as intent and what is reasonable in order to find the defendant guilty of any of these charges. The list was drawn out.

The Defendants Charges

First-degree intentional homicide, child abuse, aggravated battery and first-degree reckless injury. My gaze wandered to the defendant. The stoic man with thin pale skin about 50 years in age looked front and center. No emotion, no expression came from his face. He sat hunched, leaning on the table between his attorney and another man to his left with a pen in his hand.
My stomach flipped when I heard the word homicide. My mind began to whirl about as the judge continued to speak. He concluded in saying that this man is innocent until proven guilty. And the juror’s job are the facts and that his job is the law.

The judge announced that we will now hear opening statements. No writing materials are provided at this point for what they have to say is not to be considered as evidence. The only evidence is the witnesses testimony and evidence the attorney will present. It is up to us as jurors to come to conclusion based upon only this. This was happening fast…as time seemed to not pass during the morning hours, we were proceeding at lightning speed.
First-degree intentional homicide was affixed in my mind. This man was charged with intent to kill and caused great bodily harm to a child, also a felony.

Law and order Jury Duty How to serve as a juror
Judge Jury Selection and the Gavel

There was no time to reflect of the felony charges.

Opening Statements

The DA rose, a slender alabaster skinned female approximately in her early 40’s arranged herself in front of us jurors behind a podium equipped with a microphone and began her opening statements clearly and with precision. She was working diligently with her crafted speech making direct eye contact with all 14 of us. She had obvious experience and knew where to emphasize the crucial points. Her opening, I must say was convincing, for her role was to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that this defendant was the perpetuator.

The well-groomed public defender slighted balding had his opportunity to state his case. His eyeglasses were on to read and off to peer into our eyes. This on and off again of his glasses was rather distracting. He noticeably practiced facial expressions and held them as a living statue does while performing. He was a seasoned attorney in his 60’s I presumed. His ebb and flow of his constructed statement seemed as if he missed his all his cues. His point was received, and his main duty was to create doubt. Reasonable doubt.
I was not to take into consideration in rendering my own verdict anything these two lawyers just discussed for over an hour. But how can you unhear what you have already heard. If we, as jurors, were admonished not discuss this case with others as to not be potentially influenced by a conversation, why does our court system allow opening statements, I wondered?

Innocent Until Proven Guilty

I reminded myself this man is innocent until proven guilty. He is charged with these four felonies but innocent. I reminded myself that I am to keep on open mind, and I needed to concentrate.

For those who are unfamiliar with my personality, they know me to be inquisitive, gregarious, intuitive and a detailed oriented well-organized person. I tend to be rather social and wear my emotions on my sleeve. I am expressive and a person with deep feelings. I now have been sworn to secrecy, told what not to say and who not to say it to. And look at “just the facts”!
The opening statements filled my mind with questions that seemed to bounce back and forth within my head. My body tensed. My fingers cold. But I sat still and kept my poker face. The judges voice of the charges came to the front of my mind. The defendant had been charged with intent to kill this young girl and caused permanent bodily harm; she lost an eye. This was remarkable. I tried not to fidget and to remain focused. As the thick binders of information on the DA’s desk sat with the details on this case tucked inside awaiting their debut, I now knew, this WAS serious!

“The state calls” …to be continued.

How to serve as a juror?

While absent from blogging, social media and my writing, I wanted to share one of the reasons I have been absent, I was recently selected to serve as a juror and felt compelled to share my story: 

“You Have Been Selected Through a Random Drawing to Serve as a Juror…” Part 1

Juror justice writing Law and order Criminal justice system Jury duty Serving as a juror
Jury Selection

The Justice System

I was required to appear at the court house on March 11, 2019. The line entering the to enter the courtroom was lengthy and we were required to be searched and walk through a scanner.
I was intrigued by the amount of people, over 50 now seated in the back of the courtroom on very old pew like benches. This made me begin to think that this might be something serious, but at this time I had no idea of what type of case I might be chosen for, civil or criminal? We watched a video with instructions and information on the service of a juror.

Jury Box Law and order justice Legal Rights criminal justice system
The Jury Box

The Jury Box

The judge entered the room following the video, and the attorneys were at the appropriate tables and the presiding circuit court judge called out 24 names to sit in the jury box. My name was one of this first 24.
The courtroom was a large room. The bench or the seat where the judge sits was in the corner with flags behind his bench. To the right was a witness chair and the left sat the clerk of the courts and the court reporter. The attorney tables were large worn wooden tables that probably witnessed testimonies for well over 100 years. The district attorney’s (DA) side was filled with three ring binders over 4 inches thick. Seeing that much information, I pondered the obvious…they have a lot to say here.

Jury Duty Justice Law Legal Rights Law and Order How to serve as a juror
The Criminal Justice System through the eyes of a juror

Voir Dire

I was curious, admittedly very curious to know what the charges were for the defendant sitting between two gentlemen. The DA and the defendant’s attorney began asking each potential juror questions, “called Voir Dire” which means “to speak the truth”. After several Q & A’s, and preemptive strikes the attorneys whittled down through their list of potential jurors and after hours of time passing, the attorneys made their choices.

Justice Juror Jury Duty How to serve as a juror criminal justice system law and order
Judge Jury Selection and the Gavel

The Judge

The judge stated when I call out these names please stand and remain standing. He called out 14 names, and yes, to my surprise, my name was called. I am sure my reaction was written on my face. The judge dismissed the seated potential jurors and the announced that we were the chosen jurors for this case and the case should take approximately one week. He also stated that two of us would be alternates randomly selected at the end of the trial.

How to serve as a juror law and order how to serve as a juror criminal justice
Justice and the Criminal Court System

Sworn In

During the selection process I swear time was not moving. There was complete silence and I began scanning the defendants table and the people behind in the benches, then peered over to the DA’s and the people sitting behind on that side in the benches. Who were these people, I wondered?
Now that the jury was selected, the courtroom beginning proceedings seem to take swift action.
Immediately, while still standing, we raised our right hand and we appropriately were sworn in and took the oath for a juror. I admit I was completely stunned that I was chosen to sit on a jury panel in the courtroom’s old rickety wooden chairs.

Criminal Justice How to serve as a juror Law and order
Lady Justice Law and Order


The strict instructions to jurors were given by the judge, especially not to discuss the case with each other or anyone, even our spouse or family, avoid social media and the news.
The judge stated that this case was a criminal case and he read the long list of charges against the defendant…to be continued

Agoraphobia and the longing to escape

A Mind’s Captivity a micro poem by Susan L Urasky

Depression Agoraphobia Mental Health Matter
 A poem depicting freedom from agoraphobia

Depression and agoraphobia

Depression and agoraphobia. The anxiety that builds during depression may cause one to stay indoors.  One may pull the shades and turn off the lights.  At time the senses are so heightened and intense that the light increases their anxiousness. To look outside may feel like the panes of glass will cut and cause harm. A panic instills and may cause one to breathe rapidly and with shallow breaths, hyperventilating, triggering a numbing sensation throughout their limbs.  They cut ties with others, leaving them alone.  I feel there needs to be more awareness of mental illness symptoms, and to try to understand how those suffering feel. People with friends that are suffering from agoraphobia may not realize they are not intentionally shut out but their friend’s illness is keeping them from doing the things they commonly did in the past. You can reach out, you can accept their illness. Be more aware.
I was inspired by this photograph of mine to write, “A Mind’s Captivity” a micro poem to capture the longing to be free from the shadows. Those who suffer from agoraphobia; are held captive in their mind.

“lost in the gray”

Depression and suicide awareness

suicide prevention mental health
A poem dedicated to suicide prevention. For those suffering from depression. Mental Health Matters

Depression and suicide awareness.
We must take notice, we must pay attention to the signals from those who have depression and are hurting. Their pain is deep and sometimes hidden. Look into their eyes and see those tears that no longer stream for they are dried up. Hold them close and warm their soul. Offer kind words for they are scarred from the harshness. Listen to the soliloquies, for they utter their torment. But on the other hand, ignorance will fail. To be oblivious is to say that their feelings are not valid. Take action to avoid facing the outcome and having to bury your loved ones ashes…the consequence of unnoticed depression, is suicide. Don’t let them be “lost in the gray”.

My First Blog Post

Why I’m Writing

author writing blog

I almost died. My sister died, she took her own life. I have a second chance. That is what inspired me to write and start a blog, to portray tragedy through cathartic expression.
My novel is a fiction story, and fact based. It delves into the difficulties we face in our lives. It sinks into the darkness of mental illness, the difficulties those with disabilities face trying to manage their lives, it digs into the secrets of eating disorders, family dysfunction along with the loving ties and bonds that unite us within our support systems.
The attempts made to maintain wellness has its triumphs and turns. It takes constant effort and those who have loved ones to assist them can benefit extremely well.
Family support and the ties that bind us can either grow or break. It can be heartfelt or gut wrenching.
Our lives are exposed by forces beyond our control, maternal narcissism, intentional neglect and possibly genetic factors. Is this what shapes us? Do we have choices? Aristotle said, “Health is a matter of choice, not a mystery of chance.” How can we choose?
If we have chosen to strive for wellness, what happens when life takes a wrong horrific turn?
While researching the cause of my near-death experience, the shocking reasons astounded me. Although my novel is fiction, is it based on true events and real medicine.
How can I let the world know?
I decided to write my novel after hearing a famous female screenwriter once say, “ Everyone has a story inside their head, just write it.” And my writing journey began.